Choosing to get a divorce is never an easy decision. It can be even more difficult when one partner is unaware that the other is considering a split. While there may be cases in which you need to have a divorce attorney draw up the papers and serve them to your spouse without telling them first, such as when domestic abuse is involved, having a conversation about your intentions before initiating proceedings is preferable. Letting your spouse know what you are doing and why can support a more amicable split and make the process easier. 

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce 

1. Consider Counseling First

Before you hire a divorce attorney, consider marriage counseling to discuss your issues and try to resolve them. Even if you are not sure the marriage can be saved, seeing a counselor can help foster better communication between you and your spouse, so you can handle problems more effectively. Seeing a counselor also puts issues in the open, so neither of you are blindsided by the others' claims during the proceedings. 

2. Choose the Right Time 

The worst time to tell your spouse that you have hired a divorce attorney and will be ending your marriage is in the heat of the moment during an argument, as you may say things that are hurtful or unnecessary. 

Asking for a divorce when others are present (especially children), or your spouse is under unusual stress (such as they have just lost their job) is also not advisable. Instead, have the conversation privately in a quiet place when you have time to talk, and you are both calm.

3. Use "I" Statements 

When discussing the reasons you want to split, use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, "I am unhappy," is better than "You do not make me happy." This shows you are taking responsibility for your feelings and decision, and not placing blame. Your spouse is less likely to become defensive, and you can avoid an argument. 

4. Have a Plan 

Schedule the conversation with your spouse after you have spoken to a divorce attorney and discussed some of the potential issues. For example, your spouse will likely want to know what you are thinking in terms of child custody, division of assets, living arrangements, and more. Be prepared with a plan for the short term, be willing to discuss their concerns, and prepare to be flexible.

If you are considering a divorce, make an appointment to meet with a divorce attorney at LaRowe Gerlach Taggart LLP. Based in Reedsburg, WI, the lawyers of this firm bring more than 175 years of combined practice experience to a wide range of cases related to family, criminal, bankruptcy, estate planning, and personal injury law. They will help you understand your options and guide you through the process. Call (608) 524-8231 for a consultation or learn more about the firm on the website.